Babies Suck at Walking
Some of you are bothered by this article's title. Some of you are angry with me for writing it, and some are uncomfortable and are now crafting your post responses to tell me what a jerk I am. I know that. But it's true – babies DO suck at walking. They are just flat-out awful at it. Think back to it, and you'll see what I mean. Think of your child or that of a family member or a friend. Those little poop factories start rolling over, and before too long, they move into a sit-up and pull themselves up on a low table or a footstool. Then magically, one day, because you have their favorite toy or they love the sound of your voice – or perhaps guided by some otherworldly motivation, they reach for you, then slowly take that first step. That gangly, awkward, challenging, difficult, beautiful, blessed, inspired, and empowered first baby stomp toward you. Were you not within about two feet from their outstretched hands, their cute little chubby faces and diaper-clad bottoms would be down for the count as they fell to the floor.
Look, they just are. We can love our babies' cherubic faces, how they smell after a bath, the adorable shirt that someone gave us that says, "I'm a momma's boy," or "Girlz Rule." We can find their giggles adorable and find it so enriching when they reach for us and cling tightly, showing us their absolute trust and willingness to be vulnerable. And yet – we can all agree that babies are, by and large, the worst walkers on the planet.
Say it with me now, louder for the people in the back – once we get past the cuteness and excitement, babies are terrible at walking. Let's not kid ourselves; there's a laundry list of things babies are awful at.
Babies suck at talking, too – the no-word-having little gibberish mumblers.
They are horrendous at calculus.
No matter how hard they try, they don't understand Chandler's job on Friends.
If you leave them unattended, they wander right into danger.
Ask them to feed the dog while you're gone; they'll forget.
Terrible at holding down steady employment.
If you ask them to take out the trash, anything they can reach goes right into their mouths.
Babies are just the worst, right? And now that I've offended most of you – this is the moment when I ask you, dear reader, to press onward and read what other horrible things I've got to say
Not even one of you is shouting at your baby (hopefully, not at anyone's baby). Nobody should be demeaning that child. No one should be taunting the baby for its ineptitude at the things the little munchkin is trying. This isn't the time and place to yell, "Don't you bring that weak sauce in my house," at your 12-month-old. So, have you ever asked yourself why a baby in your life is permitted to try and fail at so much stuff without you becoming angry or labeling the kid damaged goods?
Admittedly, maybe I'm the only person on the planet who has said, "Babies suck at walking." To be fair, I don't know. What I do know, however, is that not a single parent or loved one has ever been angry at a child for trying and failing, for learning, and all of us continue to be encouraging to that baby. "Come to momma. Momma is your favorite" or "Come see your Uncle Tyler… I'm right here…come see me"- these are the common refrains heard from across every living room in the world. (However, if anyone NOT named Tyler is saying "Uncle Tyler," you may want to intervene as the child's parent and question with whom you are letting your child associate!).
The point is that you never run out of patience and energy, and that patience and energy manifest themselves as an encouragement to try again and to keep trusting that they can do it. We repeat words until the baby learns to say "Taco," "Momma," or "Sportsball." We repeat, reiterate, and re-engage with the behaviors and outcomes we want to see in our children. Why? Because here's the truth:
Babies suck at walking because babies are SUPPOSED to suck at walking.
I know that right now, you're shocked. You're like…wait, what?! Your jaw is probably dropped open, and you're thinking about how wise and learned Tyler is. Or, perhaps, like a sane person, you believe that you are upset that you read through 770 words to reach the point of this article, and now you're disappointed. Well, fear not, for this is just the preamble to my point.
Since you've suffered along thus far – with my long path to this inflection point and my odd sense of humor, here's what I'm going to offer up. The whole premise of the rest of this article is in one sentence. Here it is: We're all big babies in some aspects of our lives, and yelling at us to do better or be better or know better doesn't induce us to improve…it causes us shame and leads to anger and resentment. With that out of the way, let me continue.
I recently saw a situation online where people were shouting about how a person was the worst and deserved horrible things happening because they had said some insensitive and hurtful things about a transgender individual. Comments like, "these types of people will never change!"
When I was a child growing up in Western Kentucky, I was taught and told all sorts of odd (and demonstrably untrue) things about gay people. Gay men, in specific, were a big target of my education. I was told they were, "Just waiting around, those perverts!" It got much darker and much faster when I asked what they meant. Gay men were painted as hedonists, pedophiles, and rapists. They were, I was told, best to be rounded up and made an example of. While my parents never said things like this, and I found them (and still do) to be pretty understanding of the differences in people around the world, it didn't matter. When teachers, preachers, older members of the community, and just about everyone you respect opines similarly when the subject comes up – you learn quickly that the only answer is the one you're constantly bombarded with. "To be gay is to be evil." (I want to add an aside here that I believe a lot has changed in the places where I grew up over the last 30 or 40 years. While I think that more can be done, I don't see and hear stories of the rampant bigotry and racism that served as "teachable moments" in my growing up.)
As an adult, I look back on it now and see the parallels to the books I have read. I learned through books about how the same behaviors had occurred to black people, Jews, other minorities, so-called "Carpetbaggers," and any "negro sympathizers" (that's the nicest version of that term I ever heard) at the hands of hate groups. Ranging from the days of the Reconstruction Era that followed the American Civil War, the stories of how mob terror reigned and reined in non-whites, non-Christians, and those interested in change were overwhelming. As I reflect, I am reminded of lessons I learned in conversations with people who were present and involved in the Civil Rights movement.
I've learned that hate needs indoctrination, just like this longer-form blog post about how to divide people. It doesn't matter who or what we are taught to hate – we are not born to hate. However, we are wired for a recognition of our differences and gravitation toward those who look and act like us. This is true even as young children. I learned so many lessons that it'd taken my entire adult life (thus far) to unlearn. I have to find it in me to learn to meet people where they were, accept them where they are, and hold out hope for transformation in the future.
So, what do racists, bigots, hateful people, and hurtful behaviors connect back to babies that can't walk well? Great question.
Babies don't hold shame over their failures to talk or walk. There is no shame because there is an understanding that we don't expect a baby to go from goo goo's to complete sentences any more than we should expect a toddler to go from identifying the number 1 directly to finding the derivatives of functions. Likewise, we should not expect our baby to progress from pulling up to a table to issuing a challenge to Usain Bolt in a few weeks. We don't expect a baby to do these things – to span these gaps with such rapidity – and as a result, we do not hold them responsible for anything but to respond to our encouragement to keep trying, to keep exploring, and to keep learning.
As a response to our continued engagement, the baby continues to learn. They do this by mimicking the people around them. We, as the adults in this relationship, desire their independence, and we enjoy the excitement of celebrating milestones with them. So, as they learn and grow, we continue to encourage the baby to make progress using encouraging words and meaningful gestures. We clap when they try, reinforce the efforts when they struggle or fail, and watch for opportunities to cheer again until they get it. When they finally "get it," we celebrate like crazy.
Reflecting on my growing up, I had a mixed bag experience. I was around family and many friends who taught me a great deal about treating people like I wanted to be treated. I learned a lot about people from different ethnic backgrounds by growing up in schools with at least some significant diversity. I also experienced a great deal of bigotry from the people most well-positioned to teach me better lessons. In my early adulthood, I was exposed to people I didn't get to know when I was a child. I was fortunate to be exposed to places and people willing to share themselves with me. They told me stories of their childhood experiences, beliefs, hopes, and fears. What I learned from each of them was a chipping away of many of the untrue experiences of my childhood.
When I consider how we approach and address people who believe differently than we do in today's world, I am filled with sadness. That sadness comes from the "outrage culture" that seems to permeate our humanity. The older I am, the more I believe that nobody has ever been yelled into change. Oh, they've been shouted into silence and screamed into submission, but they are not changed. Instead of remorse that leads to change, what they are filled with is a shame that quickly morphs into bitterness.
The one thing I know about how to shake a child's confidence is to shift from encouragement to explore and to try and to, instead, make demands of them for perfection. That is to say that if you want to affect a baby's willingness to take their first steps, then the best thing you can do is to scream at them, belittle them, and actively work to take away opportunities to try to get it right. The issue I see is that we are doing the same thing to bigots that we would never do to babies. We cannot and should not expect a positive result from screaming at a baby any more than we should expect a positive outcome from an adult with hateful or bigoted beliefs.
Right now, you're arguing with me in your head already. You're thinking, "Tyler, these people aren't babies, and we should not have to baby them!" You're right. At least, in the way that you're probably thinking about this, you're correct. We don't need to put the next Klan member you meet in an adult diaper and a t-shirt that says, "Mommy's favorite big boy." (Though the image is amusing, right?!). What I mean is not this. I don't mean to paint the picture that they should be babied or that we should say, "Oh, I'm so proud of you," every time they don't call the waitress "sweetheart" or refer to their bank officer as "That uppity black fella at the bank." Far from it. That behavior should be called to attention.
Because they are grown people, they do not need to be coaxed or babied in those ways. But as we reflect on our growing up and the lessons learned, we understand that our loved ones cheered us to stand and walk because we had not yet done so. They were reinforcing a behavior they wanted – you to try until you succeed. They celebrated and cheered because they wanted us to see ourselves as a "walker." They did not feel they could compel you to stand by screaming at you, "Stand. If you don't stand, then you are horrible. You are a baby who sucks and is a failure, and we hate you. You're awful. You're supposed to be growing up, and this is some baby bulls**t! What's wrong with you, you dumb baby? You can't be a toddler if you won't toddle. And you can't toddle if you can't stand. Get to it…you know what, I'm done with you. You're beyond redemption – you're just a baby, and all you will ever be is a big baby!" And for a good reason – this is the action of a sociopath, not a loving parent.
They don't yell because they realize that you simply don't yet know what you don't know. You cannot be screamed into speeding up learning and re-imagining yourself as a walker, runner, or any other self-identity concept.
What is true of babies is that they are learning more about themselves and the world around them every moment of each day. What is true of those filled with or fueled by hatred is that they have learned that they are under threat and the world around them is unsafe. While the situation is different, the result is the same. Just like screaming at a baby is a surefire way to shut down growth and change, the same is true of adults who are locked in the lessons they learned in childhood or through some traumatic experience in their life.
So, what does it say about us if, rather than being invested in people to see them change, we shout them down and make demands for immediate existential transformation? Given the lack of success that the "shout 'em down" approach has shown thus far – how it has left us more divided and has not caused anyone I've ever met to change their beliefs, perhaps we should consider that our motivations may be selfish. It is just speculation on my part, but I suspect that our reasons come not from without but from within.
What does that mean? It means that our choice to demand instant transformation from others has more to do with alleviating our sense of self-righteousness than with any intent to see the world changed for the better. Beyond that, I suspect that the expansion of our outrage and our willingness to be outraged over more trivial offenses has to do with our need for narcissistic supply than with any altruistic virtue. I'm probably painting with a broad brush – as some part of this can quickly be learned behavior. It can be culturally acceptable behavior that has been learned as good when it serves neither to provide the outraged person with any lasting worth or value nor to afford the recipient any meaningful motivation to change. We may do it because it makes us feel good and not because it affects us much. In a nutshell – it's not about improving the world, transforming the person, or righting any wrong…instead it's just about making you feel better about yourself.
The scarier part of this approach is that I'm seeing two forms of "proxy outrage" becoming more common. In a condensed form, they look like this:
The first form of this outrage is the kind where we are outraged on behalf of someone else who is not outraged. It is akin to yelling at someone else's baby for failure to walk because "If they knew better, they would be yelling at you. I'm helping!"
The second form of this outrage is the type where anyone associated with or attempting to build any meaningful relationship with the offending person is, themselves, somehow adjudicated as guilty by the screaming individual.
This proxy outrage model is more frustrating for me to see in light of the story of Daryl Davis. A man – a musician with no formal training in social psychology and no exposure to therapeutic modalities - who has single-handedly helped over 200 members of the KKK, renounce their beliefs. In an interview for the Washington Post, Davis is quoted as saying, "The lesson learned is (that) ignorance breeds fear. If you don't keep that fear in check, that fear will breed hatred. If you don't keep hatred in check, it will breed destruction." We see evidence in Davis' story that a successful path forward in helping people renounce hate and bigotry lies in giving them opportunities to have positive (or even neutral) experiences with people, places, and things that cause them to fear and stimulate hatred. Candidly, this isn't a novel idea, as it forms the basis of exposure therapy used often by therapists in treating individuals with phobic disorders.
It is more apparent to me every day that if we wish to see people restored, the path forward is to give them plenty of modeling, opportunity, and a possibility of being restored.
If we wish to see people transformed, we must first take an interest in them. This does not mean that we must (or even should) pretend that their words or actions are not reprehensible, but that rather than abandoning them because of their "intransigence," we instead engage. Ask questions, get to know them – find out what they genuinely believe. It's possible that what we perceive as hate speech is merely ignorance. It is quite possible that we may learn of a traumatic experience that needs restoration and healing. Is this guaranteed? No. Some people are just willfully bigoted or hate-fueled – but likewise, this does not mean they cannot be reached or redeemed. Instead, it simply means that today is not the day, or perhaps you are not the right person to see that occur. If we want others to ask questions of us and to show interest in self-transformation, we must be willing to model the tolerance and willingness to engage that it seems is very important to change.
One of the realities of exposure therapy is that, for most phobic individuals, it requires a commitment to repeated experience. That means that we're unlikely to have a single experience where a hateful person is somehow wholly redeemed by a single conversation with a single person. Does it happen? Sure. Is it likely to occur for us? No. But it is sure not to occur if we gravitate to apathy and focus only on "doing us" or "staying in our lane." Still, it is also sure not to occur if we devolve into shouting down a bigot and reinforcing their mistaken belief that the world is opposed to (or dangerous for) people like them.
Lastly, we must do our best to help encourage people to realize that they are not beyond redemption and restoration. The critical aspect of this is knowing when the time is right. If someone feels like the only reason you're engaging with them is to change them, then the chances of seeing that change happen are nearly zero. It will poison the well of their openness to others even more. The best way to encourage people is to be open about our growth and our own experiences in change. We must be willing to talk about things we learned and had to unlearn openly. We need to be free to talk about how we are imperfect and transformed in others to help usher the way for people to feel free to change.
We must believe ourselves to be the pinnacle of virtue if we are willing to serve as judges, juries, and public executioners for others. It does not come from a place of empathy when we elect to shame and ostracize others, but instead from a place of self-righteousness. A genuine desire for change necessitates an effort to forge a real connection. It must come from a place where we recognize that we do not "catch hate" when we converse with someone who is filled with biased beliefs. Likewise, we do not become "evil by proxy" if we spend time or even strike up a friendship.
Acknowledging two points as I wrap up this blog post is essential.
The first point is that some people are so sure, confident, and broken as to be wholly committed to their hateful beliefs. They are recalcitrant and even arrogant in it. We may never be able to reach that person or make inroads to help them realize the effects of their beliefs and their words. However, we should never confuse the loudness of belief with the deepness of belief. As a friend of mine said to me once, "It's the baddest dog that barks the softest." If we are to hold fast to our beliefs about the coequality of people, then we must believe that all people are capable of learning and of change – just as each of us has done in our own lives. We must believe that wrongheaded beliefs do not make the individual unworthy of our efforts.
The second point is to know yourself. Suppose you have a history of trauma related to hate or bigotry. In that case, I encourage you to continue working on that but not engage with bigots or those with a hateful ideology. Perhaps now is not the time for you to attempt to build inroads with others – but I also encourage you not to surrender yourself to the belief that all people are reflective of the individual(s) that created the trauma in your life.
In closing, we must recognize our responsibilities in addressing hate, oppression, bigotry, and evil. We cannot become fueled by hatred to confront hatred. We must never permit ourselves to forget our imperfections and failures.
We must believe that what has been taught can be re-interpreted.
We must believe that what has been learned can be unlearned.
We must believe that they can change – because we have changed. This is not a call to accept evil. It's a whole strategy for confronting it. This should not be construed to become evangelical in some spiritual or religious concept. It is, instead, an encouragement to take a genuine curiosity in the presence of hateful individuals. Learn why, ask questions, and challenge falsehood, but never trespass the boundary between the person and their beliefs.
If we seek to make the world better, and the world is comprised of imperfect people, then we must not cast aside the people as we work to improve the world, or we become precisely what we profess to stand against.
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